Maze Goblins: A Re-Tale
I am out too late playing with my owl friend in the cemetery wearing my princess shirt when it starts to rain. I run home with my bear dog in the wet. I get home and my dad and my freaking stepmom are making me babysit Tobe-tobe. And I’m pissed, obvs, because he cries like a demon and there’s a sweet freaking lightning storm approaching. I was gonna dip into the schnapps and invite Randall and the crew over for some stormy party shit. But nope, it’s me and freaking Tobe-tobe for the night. And he’s wearing those red and white jammies that I hate and he smells like Tobe-tobe and Tobe-tobe stinks.
So out they go, and I swear the door slams and he starts crying again, I mean the freaking twerp is screaming and I’m like, TOBE-TOBE, shut up! I go upstairs and tell him a killer freaking ghost story about the Maze Goblins beyond the walls of the freaky city. And I’m like, guess what Tobes, I hope you get swooped by the king of the freaking goblins, and he takes you far far away from here. So I say the words from my sweet sorcery picture book and I slam the door on the little runt.
Then there’s like no more crying. Total silence. I’m thinking this is pretty sweet, and I can prolly call Randall over now, and dip into the peach schnapps. But I decide I better check on the kiddo ‘cause it’s pretty freaking spooky that he stopped crying after I said the words. And I’m thinking, could they have? Would they have? I swing open the door, and holy cow, Tobe-tobe is freaking gone! No baby in the crib. Then the window crashes open.
My owl friend shows up at the window and turns into the lead singer of twisted sister. And I’m like, what the hell? And then the lead singer says, “Hello Sarah” in a crazy sing song voice. And I’m like “damn, you’re the Goblin King aren’t you?” And he starts contact juggling with this sweet crystal ball, and I’m thinking I’m never gonna go to the lake with Randall in his truck if I don’t get my kid brother back. My weekend will be totally F-ing screwed. My freaking life will be screwed. So I’m like, take me to my kid brother, buster. And the Goblin King’s like, “He’s mine now, dummy,” and I’m like, “Look man, give him back, that’s not even fair.” Then he busts out this 13-o’clock clock and is like, you’ve got 13 hours to get him back, otherwise he’s the Goblin Prince. And I’m like “what the hell!” And then he turns into a snake. What?
I’m left with literally no direction outside the gates of the goblin maze, which leads to the city where Tobe-tobe is. Then I see him. The little nose goblin, taking a freaking leak in the fairy fountain. I’ll never forget this guy, a nose for a face, and the smallest little legs. He’s barely bigger than my missing kid brother. This is such a total drag. He’s killing fairies with a bellows and I’m like, “Dude, cut the shit, those are the most beautiful fairies.” And then out of nowhere a fairy lands on my finger and the little nasty freaking bites me! And I’m like “that’s not fair!” And the nose goblin is like, “told you, idiot.” And I’m like, “what’s your name, nose goblin?” And he’s like, “I’m Huggles.” And I’m like, “damn, Huggles, I’m Sarah.” Then he notices my sweet bracelet, and I’m like, “do you like this thing?” And he’s like, “well, yeah, sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.” So I’m like, “look turkey-neck, take me to the center of the Goblin Maze, and I’ll let you keep my sweet bracelet.” Huggles is like, “cool. Let’s do it.” I’m like, “word little man, let’s go!”
Then the frigging dude totally ditches me. I can’t even believe my luck. And all the stone walls look exactly the same until I hear this eensy voice.
“Aloe” says the voice.
And all I can think about is a sunburn I got last summer with Randall when we were on the lake, and the green jelly he used on my shoulders, which is absolutely freaking where I need to be right now. With Randall. In Randall’s truck. In Randall’s arms in the flatbed of his sweet Ford. Ugh. Frig these goblins and my toe-headed brother.
“Aloe,” says the voice again. And I’m all, “Aloe?”
“Down here,” says the voice. And then I see this worm goblin with some super frizzy frizz. And she’s looking at me and blinking. Then she says, “Alo” and I get it, she’s been saying hello, but apparently everyone in the goblin maze is british.
I’m like, “Which way do I go?”
“That way,” she says and I’m thinking finding this twerp is gonna be super duper easy, way easier than the lead singer made it seem. So I tell her cool, and thanks, and then I’m like bye worm, and I think to myself, what a friendly little thing.
So I take a left and some lefts and I’m right back at the ferry pond and here’s freaking Huggles the bracelet thief. He looks like he’s gonna jet so I grab his ear and am like, no way man, let’s freaking go - you’re leading me through this stupid thing and we’re back in the maze.
This maze sucks. Goblins turn my chalk arrows. They chitter chatter. All the door knockers talk back which is super weird. And the freaking knights with squirrels on spikes are constantly torturing something. I don’t trust Huggles. He’s always sneaking. I know he’s up to something. This big noise of this big sounding thing is freaking me out, so I’m like, Huggles, let’s see what the frig that is. And typical Huggles he’s like, oh, I don’t know if we should. So I tell him there’s more jewelry in it for him and he gets all perky about the future plastic bounty that awaits.
I wasn’t kidding about a big thing. There’s a fur centaur being snipped by the tiny knights. He’s upset and it makes me upset that he’s upset. It’s not a fair fight. It’s not fair.
I throw a stone at a knight snipper. Clank his helmet with my sweet softball trained accuracy. I really clock the little creeper. Then the fur centaur moans and another stone rolls to my feet. I’m thinking this is pretty sweet. So I wind up and clock another creeper off its lizard. The stones keep coming and pretty soon the squirrel stick having knights that ride atop the lizards flee the freaking scene.
I have to go upside down to look at the fur centaur. He’s pretty cute for a beasty. Kind eyes. I let him down even though Huggles is saying not to. I clip his string and he takes a pretty harsh fall, with a loud moan, that echoes against the hedge walls. His name is Bruno. I can tell we’re already best friends. I tell him I’m Sarah, and he says, Sarah. So maybe he’s not the smartest, but he’s sweet, so he’s on the little brother finding team.
We talk to these two knockers for a while who are total bozos. I get tired of them super quick and then they push me down a tumble chamber full of groping hands. It’s creep factor 100 percent. The hands keep talking to me about how I said down, and I’m like, huh? And they push me to a tunnel. And I lose my friends.
And now I’m alone. And I’m wandering an underground woodland that has its own sky. I take a bite of a peach that Huggles gave me and I have a pretty crappy dream. The lead singer king of the Goblin City sings me this synth love jam about the world falling down and we wear masks and I’m in a wedding dress and his hair is a mushroom puff. He’s wearing lavender riding crops. It’s out of control. The freaking peach was the worst and I know Huggles did something wrong. I wake up by myself in my own bedroom with a junk goblin who keeps giving me all my old toys. She’s very in my face about taking a teddy bear and I hate her. I straight up reject the junk goblin and my room crashes down around me, and I’m in a field of junk, and that’s when I wake up and I’m back in the forest. This is where I meet the pink flamingo monsters. This place is a freaking rollercoaster, I swear.
These guys just start singing at me. Definitely not to me, they just sing at me. And then they start taking off their heads and playing basketball with their heads and I’m freaking out because they’re super aggressive and sort of all up in my biz, and I’m like, “buzz off cretins.” But they just circle me and keep singing and it sounds a lot like “Don’t Worry Be Happy,” but like sung by Flamingo Monsters. I steal some of their heads, which they seem to have no issue without and I throw them into the trees and I run like hell to get away from these demons. And that’s when I fall down a crumbling castle wall and end up in fart central.
The rocks fart. The water farts. It’s freaking disgusting. And then I see Bruno, and then I see freaking Huggle, both trapped in the stink. I’m like, “guys,” and Bruno is like, “smells bad.” and I’m like, “No duh, Bruno, let’s get the heck outta here.” He summons rocks with moans. The rocks make the water bubble and pop, which actually makes the place smell worse by the second. But, he does get a rock path in front of us and we get to this garbage island pretty quick, which is way better than the narrow rock wall all afraid of falling in the forever stink.
So we’re on garbage island and I look at Huggles and I’m like, “Dude” and he’s like, “sorry.” And I’m like, “don’t do it again” and he’s like, “yeah, I know.” We hug, it’s Huggles.
Then out comes a dog riding a dog. It’s crazy. The rider is all dressed as a knight. The dog he’s riding is a little fluff ball, a lot like Princess Vespa, my dog. The knight dog is all, “riddle me this?” And he asks like, “how do you get to that side,” and we’re like, “uh, you cross that bridge.” Sir Coppertone or whatever his name is (god I wish I was in Randall’s truck still) and Lucious his “steed” guide us out of this hell hole and into the goblin city.
Ok, so, the goblin city is ridic. There’s goblins everywhere. Knight goblins, cannonball monsters, flaming wrecks, tipped over fruit carts, rolling boulders. I can’t even take it seriously, we just start battling. I mean, throwing rocks, summoning rocks, throwing more rocks, Bruno taking on like four at a time, the dog knight and his dog biting thinks. There’s a goblin machine, that is manned by a tiny goblin that has a giant axe that destroys half the city just trying to stop me from getting by to grab my twerp brother, the prince of stupid. But, like even now, when I think of it, I’m pretty pumped I met all these weirdos, and it’s sort of his fault, so I’m like sort of grateful for that, just looking at my sweet team taking on hundreds of goblins.
OK, so, Coppertone and Lucious destroy the goblin monster and we make it to the lead singer’s castle. I go in alone. I tell my friends, "it’s my party time," and they’re like, “make it happen.” Inside the castles is my kid brother, and the lead singer king. Oh, and like a million stairs. Sideways stairs, upside down stairs, and what does the lead singer do? He starts singing to me. He says everything he’s done he’s done for me. And that my eyes can be so cruel. And I’m like, “dude, what?” He also says he can’t "live within me," and I’m like, "what? Is this a dream? Is this all a dream?" And then I have the power. Then I have the power, and it was right there in his freaking lyrics. Classic Lead Singer move! I can defeat him because he tells me how through his super emotional lyrics. And I’m also like, “HEY GOBLIN CREEP I’M THIRTEEN!”
And then I wake up. And Tobe-tobe is crying. And I’m like it was all a dream, how freaking sweet, and also - what?
But what’s weird is, a lot of my toys on my shelf have changed. And like, Bruno is a toy on my shelf. And Huggles is a toy on my shelf. And I look in the mirror. And these guys are like, “Should you need us," and I’m like, “I need you.” And then we have a sick monster dance party in my bedroom and it’s the best, and my new friends are freaking sweet, freeze frame!