The Locksmith & The Housesitter: A Re-tale

Doctor Vanman gets a call from Spangles and Rick about a new goblin in the public book depository. She’s a float vapor. Up until just now these nerds’ research hasn’t brought them that close to actual visible demons. The book lady is laid out flat, panting from the haunt situation. She’s freaked! And Vanman is like, “you menstruating or what?” Everybody looks at Vanman, like, man? What’s that got to do with goblins?

They’re science men, Vanman explains, him,, Spangles, and Rick. They’re buddies too. They convince the book workers to let ‘em have a look at the vapor lady. She’s floating near the basement books. They turn the corner downstairs and everybody drops their jaws low. The vapor reads a ghost book, looks at Vanman and says, “shhhhh.” Then Rick is like, “fellas, follow my sweet lead.” Rick sneaks up on the float vapor and says “GET HER!” Some crazy piano music starts playing and the ghost lady chases the nerds straight out of the book party.

About three seconds later these knuckleheads are fired from their university jobs because they’re spending all kinds of sweet time chasing goblins instead of teaching boring classes to yawning babes and the top brass think they’re a collective stinkbug on the college curtains. So, they’re out of a job and decide: hey, let’s be goblin chasers for a living. High fives!

~

The three buds put Rick’s childhood house on the line and start making protein packs to chase goblins. They buy a fire house with a big pole and spiders. They build a ghost tank to put ghosts in once they catch ghosts. Everything that’s dangerous is red. Everything that is fun to play with is black. They buy a death mobile and put a cute ghoul on the side and start freakin’ chasing goblins.

A hotel man calls their new secretary Janice who wears big glasses and looks like a bug and says, “we got goblins!” So Janice pulls the fire alarm and sprays water over everything and the nerds slide down the pole to their protein packs and jump in their crazy car to the after party in the hotel dining room.

This guy from the hotel don’t like goblins. But they catch the slimeball with almost no probs, except Spangles tells everybody a major rule about chasing goblins: “don’t cross lasers with your protein pack or the bible will happen.” Everybody’s like, “wait what? The bible?” And Spangles is like, “it’s like a twinkie.” Nobody understands this, but they trust Spangles, ‘cause he’s like king friggin’ nerd of the pack.

They catch the ghoul. They pull the linen off the table with the plates still on it. They shake down the hotel guy for some cash for their hard work. Boom. They’re in freaking business!

~

Across town near the center park live the Locksmith and the Housesitter. Louis Louis Vincenzi is the Locksmith. His buddies call him two shirts, he always rocks a turtleneck underneath a button down chaser. He likes triple-walled bifocals, dancing the twist, accounting with accountants, wide-buckled belts, animal skin luggage, throwing raging parties, and has a major collection of rare disco. He also is totes in love with his neighbor: Debbi Blanket.

Debbi Blanket is the Housesitter’s person name, before the demon-dogs find her and remind her that she’s really the Housesitter. She lives alone, in a big apartment with an old chair. Her kitchen is full of demons she doesn’t even know about.  The Housesitter likes: jazzercise, eggs, broccoli, leggings, leg warmers, crop top tanks, shoulder-cut sweatshirts, listening to the viola, playing the viola, talking about playing the viola, red sequins, nerds, and styling mousse.

Louis Louis runs into Debbi totally on accident (he was waiting outside her door) and invites her to his sweet freaking party tonight. She’s like “maybe,” and he’s like “I’ll take maybe, sounds super sweet.” Then he, the freaking Locksmith of all people, locks himself out of his house. He calls the front desk for his third key this week. Debs goes to the store to buy some eggs.

Pretty much as soon as Debbi Blanket gets home from the market her eggs have a party on her kitchen counter. They jump out of the carton by-them-selves and the counter cooks the eggs, which is crazy town. Then her fridge has a mountain with a demon on it on the freaking shelf. And the fridge is like, DEEEEEEEEEEEEEBBBBBBBBBBSSSSS.

That’s when Debbi Blanket calls Dr. Parker Vanman because she saw his stretched-out head on TV saying something about parabola activity, which her freaking live egg situation totes qualifies as.

Vanman comes in hot. He’s likes Debbi’s curls. He likes twinkling her piano and asks when the last time she had a fella around was. Debbi does not like Vanman. He’s a little bit of a creepazoid on the approach. And then he doesn’t believe her about the eggs and says her fridge is full of junk food. You can tell they’re gonna be together at least until the sequel. Vanman tells Debs to come in for more tests.

~

Back in We-Catch-Goblins  HQ the Environmental Projection Agency stops in for a quick talk with bug eyes. She’s like, “waddayawant?” And he’s like, “let me see how this puppy works.” And she’s like, “nah, I’m not a doctor.” And then Vanman shows up, and is like, “I am a doctor,” all thumb to chest. So EPA guy with the fire-red hair, and the light beard and a furrowed brow all the time, says, “show me your toys, Dr. Van. Man.”

“Nah,” says Vanman, sort of playing with him.

“Where do you store the goblins?” presses this red haired nasty.

“In the storage tank,” says Vanman.

“May I see the tank,” says EPA.  

“You didn’t use any magic,” says Vanman.

“What is magic?” asks the idiot.

“Magic is asking nice,” says Vanman.

“Oh,” says EPA, “May I please see the ghost tank?”

“Not right now,” says Vanman.

Then red hair gets all fists of fury and screams about a judge and a warrant and about how he still hasn’t had lunch and that he’s super hungry and he’ll probably get a burrito and a warrant, and then a hot dog! “Welp, come on back soon,” says Vanman, patting the red dummy on his back and showing him the door.

Round about now Win-Win Sabormore comes over to apply for jobs. Rick and Spangles give him the rundown. They show him their ghoul catchers, the goblin storage tank, the locker room, the fire pole, they tell him they got two different beer fridges, and these sweet matching coveralls and they point to their names on their chests and are like, “your name would go where are names go on your own sweet freaking cover-alls.” Then they ask him if he believes in goblins.

Win-win is like, “I’ll believe anything you say if there’s a steady paycheck in it.” Everybody pats backs and he’s hired! Cigarettes all around!

~

Back at her place Debbi gets home from a sweet Jazzercise class and runs into Louis Louis. He’s having that freakin’ sweet party,, he reminds her, gonna be a classic throwdown. He sees that she’s fresh off a cleanse and is like, “I juice too.” He’s smaller than her by a foot, which is very sad, but you can tell Louis Louis two-shirts is a generous lover and a general sweetie. Anyways, Debs only has eyes for Vanman now, even though she don’t even know it. She’s like, “cool beans, Louis Louis,” I’ll come by after I freshen my body places.”

Louis Louis just gulps in response. Then he tries to open his door and he’s freaking locked out again. What a character. His guests let him back in and say the party is kind of a drag, so Louis Luois turns up the tunage and they bring it to the next!

Down the road above the library some sweet Demon Dogs crack out from under the statues they were born in and tumble their way into Louis Louis and Debbi’s building. Unbeknownst to these two they’re about to become the Locksmith and the Housesitter.

Clouds gather over the city. Darkness creeps all over everything. Debs grabs a cold one from her filth fridge and sits on her old chair. She’s trying to check some sweet news and it’s all static. Before she can even adjust the rabbit ears two freaking demon dog claws rip right from out of her recliner and she gets taken into the realm of ghouls.

While Louis Louis is twisting with Yolanda from work another demon dog pounces into his place. He’s like, “ok, who brought the dog?” Everybody runs and screams. Then two-shirts is screaming too and he books it out of his place, and for sure gets locked out again.

The demon dog catches up to him while he’s pounding on the glass of a fancy TGIFridays and then he’s freaking caught too. His eyes turn red. He talks to a horse. Then he gets arrested because police don’t understand ghouls.

About two hours later Spangles and Rick get a call from the police saying, “you guys the goblin chasers? We got a real sandwich of a guy here.”

Vanman shows up at Deb’s place and she’s floating above the bed calling herself the freaking Housesitter. Vanman’s like, “Sitting house for what now?”

And she’s all, “Are you the Locksmith or freaking what?” Then she starts breathing like a demon and Vanman calls the fellas.

“She says she’s the Housesitter,” he tells Spangles.

“Ah, we got a fella, calls himself the Locksmith,” says Spangles.

“Oh,” says Dr. Parker Vanman, “better get these two together.”

~

Rick and Win-win drive around and talk about the bible. They’re trying to make sense of all the goblins they’ve been catching and want to understand why evil is evil. They’re lit red and they talk slow. They agree that there’s a whole factory of crazy going on in the neighborhood.

EPA jughead shows up at Goblin Chaser HQ and is like, I’ve got a warrant you freaking turkeys. He’s got cops with him. They pull the lever on the ghost storage and the world erupts into a fiery rage. HQ gets a cloud of electric sunbeams shooting in and out of it and the newspaper flies around the city like mad while skeletons drive cabs.

The Goblinchasers go to jail and are like, “Gimme the mayor.” And the cops are like, “mayor’s the one asking for you!” Boom! Everybody meets at the mayor’s place and Vanman makes it clear that EPA jerk was born without a penis. Then he’s like, “let us catch some freaking Goblins, Lenny! It means votes, you jag!”

~

Cross town, the Locksmith and the Housesitter meet each other on the roof of their building which also looks like ancient rome. Dolic columns and stuff. They have a hot-make and don’t even have to say it, but are totally gonna destroy the world together. She is one foot taller than him. She dips him when they kiss. He’s still wearing two shirts. It’s freaking sweet.

The Goblinchasers get into their coveralls. Everybody talks about twinkies, again. And then boom - they’re chasing the sweetest Goblins of all. Right when they show up at the Roman Roof party this boss goblin who is a lot like Grace Jones but is also not Grace Jones shows up and turns the Housesitter and the Locksmith back into the Demon Dogs.

So Vanman is super upset, because he thought he was dating Debs, because men, and she’s a dog now. Nobody really knew Two-Shirts so he has no mourning period. Then Spangles is like, “oh, damn, we should cross lasers.”

“Every other Goblinchaser is like, “The heck you say?”

Spangles just nods and is like, “it could work, dummies.”

So they blast the Grace Jones look alike and she jumps into the clouds like lightning.

Grace Jones, who is now the clouds asks, “choose your destroy package.”

While everybody gets crazy about clearing their heads and picking the right destroy persona Rick thinks about summer camp and roasting freaking mallows on a stick.

The city shakes and rumbles, and out of the depths of hell steps the sailor mallow man, a freaking 400 foot marshmallow. He’s smiling and then also breathes fire and just like the Locksmith and the Housesitter can turn his eyes into fiery red demons and laser beam the world.

~

The Goblinchasers have no problem burning the Sailor mallow man - it takes like three freaking seconds and the whole city is covered in scrumptuous mallow. While everybody eats the mallow stuck to their heads and shoulders the Goblinchasers dig the freaking Locksmith and the Housesitter out of the rubble, and how freaking sweet is this: they’re their regular selves. Everybody kisses lips and the city lives off all the delicious goo forever! Win-Win has a serious I love this friggin' town kind of moment and throws a whole pack a smokes down the gullet! Freeze frame!