To Blave: A Re-tale
To Blave: A Re:Tale
My friggin grandpa shows up on my sick day to read me a bedtime story. He smells like mothball soup and his cologne is made of farts. He’s like, hey, wanna read a book? I’m probably about to score a million points on pole position, and he’s all, “tell that game to kick rocks, you turkey,” and I’m like fine, read the friggin’ book then, you ghost.
“Ok,” he says, “Once upon a time -” I already hate this book. I’m smacking palm to forehead big time. I know how freaking bad this stinker is gonna stink just on those first four words. He’s like, should I continue, and I make a thumbs down at him super hard which means see if I care, you demon. I fiddle with my joystick and he turns the tv off and I’m like, suck it, old man.
“There was this errand boy,” he says. Ugh, I hate this. “And he liked to fetch water and baskets and all other junk for this babe that was his mistress. And every day he leaned in super close to Lady Burgerfingers, which is what she was called, and was like, “Whatever you like,” which my grandpa says meant, I love you.
I have to stop the old man. If this is some book sent from friggin’ smooch city I’m not having any of it. So I’m like, cool your jets and pump the friggin’ breaks. Gramps says, “cool it yourself jerko - there’s friggin’ pirates in these pages, giants, a Brazilian dagger thrower, worms of unusual length, a mathematician, and some idiot with 100 toes.” I shrug my shoulders, like, see if I care if you keep reading, you toad. ‘Cause I do sorta wanna know about those hundred toes.
So, the errand boy skips town to make some big money or something to marry Burgerfingers and also prove he’s a man and not a boy. He’s pretty much instantly killed by the Dead Pirate Reynold. Grandpa’s got very little info on the Dead Pirate Reynold but apparently he’s like the head douche of the seven seas and takes no prisoners.
Burgerfingers is all mopey and agrees to marry this Prince Humpsandbumps guy in town who’s like, what do you got to lose, and she’s like, my virginity you friggin’ stooge. Prince is a stooge and he’s in a total hurry to marry Burgerfingers, so he swoops her up, and hires these three clowns to kidnap her and kill her on their wedding night.
So, a Brazilian magician, a tall man, and a big-brained, lisp-speaker called Cabeça swoop Burgerfingers kidnap style. The magician likes to play swords, talk about his dad, and about murdering the guy who murdered his dad, in the face. Tall man likes peanuts, ladies, and rhyme time. Cabeça likes silence, and riddles. They board their tiny boat, and sail to Glitter.
Glitter is the town across the way. Old Prince wants to start this big time war with the Glittarians. So his plan is to blame this kidnap of his lady, which he totes friggin’ planned, on the Glittarians and then gobble their land after murdering their peoples. He’s one of these super macho, power hungry royal dudes. A real bozo.
The kidnap party is on the high seas and the Brazilian magician just keeps talking about this boat that’s sneaking up on their crew. Cabeça is like, “that I cannot imagine.” The dagger thrower is like, “Imagine it, brains”. And the giant is like, “yeah that would keep you sane.” Their convo is cut short when Burgerfingers jumps into the water.
“Lady baby,” says Cabeça, “there’s screaming water snakes in these waters, and they love eating princesses.” She’s like, “that’s B.S. brain man.” But then she hears a scream that sounds like a bat pinned under the hoof of a horse.
I stop the old man here to tell him I don’t buy it. He’s like, “you scared?” I’m like, no, you friggin’ sandwich, keep on.
A screaming water snake heads right for Burgerfingers. All the sudden a friggin’ huge fist smacks that snakey right between the eyes, dead. It’s tall-man, whose hands are humongous when he lifts the princess out of the water no-problemo. Then the Brazilian is like, “He’s even closer now.” And Cabeça is like, “That, I cannot imagine.”
Everyone looks at Cabeça like, dude, he’s definitely closer. But he points ahead and says its doesn’t matter, because he’ll never catch up to us once we climb that cliff. They climb a conveniently placed rope.
“You’ll never believe it,” says the dagger thrower, but this man dressed in black is climbing the rope.
“This I cannot imagine,” says Cabeça. The dagger thrower looks at the small man in disbelief of his disbelief. “We press on, you stay behind him and throw a dagger at his face.”
The man dressed in black reaches the top of the cliff.
“You stay to kill me?” asks the man, reaching for his sword.
“Hold on,” says the dagger thrower. “I’m in no hurry to kill you. Catch your breath.”
“You want to play backgammon?” asks the man dressed in black.
“You bet your ass I do,” says dagger man. The man dressed in black produces a small travel board with magnetic pieces from his waistband. “This, I cannot believe. How did you get the pieces so small.”
“I whittled them in a prison cell on the far side of the ocean while I awaited a trial of wrongful conviction. It is the only keepsake from that journey, I killed the judge and executioner.”
“I once heard a pirate story like that. You a pirate?”
“I am known to some as a pirate.”
“You are Reynolds, I have heard of you.”
“I heard you are a man who does not leave survivors.”
“I have no need for survivors.”
“Maybe we should fight after all,” says the dagger thrower. These two clowns draw swords and bang them against each other. They do flip moves, body twists, somersaults, hand tosses, and talk it up the whole time. In the middle they role dice and tend to backgammon to break up the fight.
The Brazilian tells the pirate that he has trained his whole life throwing daggers in search of a 100-toed demon, to hunt him and kill him. The pirate asks what this demon did and the dagger thrower describes a great injustice. His father was a circus performer. He made the greatest daggers of all time. And the 100-toed man paid him a visit asking for a handful of these daggers. His father made him one single dagger, and when the man returned he killed him with his sword and stole all the daggers his father had.
“Sounds like major revenge, dude,” said the pirate.
“Totes major,” said the pirate.
“I am sorry you won’t be able to finish your story, though,” said the pirate.
“What are you talking about? Said the Brazilian. Then the pirate knocked him over the head with the blunt end of his sword and ran off. “I do not pity you the headache you will have when you wake, you beauty,” he shouted as he ran to catch up to the tall man and the brain.
Cabaça sees that the pirate is on their trail. He looks to his strong tall man and says, “finish him!”
“What do I use, a shim?” says the tall man.
“Just use a rock. Beat him in the head,” says the brain.
“Until he is dead?” says the tall man. The brain storms off. The tall man positions himself behind a big boulder. He throws a big stone at the pirate which crumbles against a tree. “I meant to miss,” screams the tall man.
“I believe you,” says the man dressed in black.
“I didn’t think it was fair,” says the tall man, “to crush you before you were here.”
“You are incredibly kind thieves,” says the pirate.
“It’s just a job,” says the tall man.
“Right, so, how will we do this?” asks the pirate.
“Just hands,” says the tall man.
“No weapons?” asks the man dressed in black. The tall man shrugs his giant shoulders. “Very well.” The man assesses the giant. “Good heavens, you’re as big as a Zepplin!”
“You rhymed! That’s wonderful. I love to rhyme.”
“When you have the time.”
“You did it again. Now I will have a hard time breaking your head.”
“Very good. I’ll hate to lose it,” says the pirate. “Shall we begin?”
The two men wrestle. The tall man is slow and the man dressed in black is slippery. The tall man cannot grab the small pirate. The pirate slides under his arms, dips under his legs, and jumps on the tall man’s back. He wraps all of his arms round his neck until he puts the large one to sleep. “Pity to leave you here. I do not envy your headache when you wake.”
It is upon leaving the tall man that the pirate first sees Burgerfingers up close, the way he remembered her, because the pirate, it is now clear behind his mask, is the farmboy. He slowly approaches Cabeça, who is seated next to his blindfolded dream lady.
“You best my Brazilian, so you must throw a mean dagger. And you made my tall man fall man, so you must be quite strong. But surely you are no match for my brain place.” Then Cabeça pours some wine. “Look dummy,” he says, “you poison a cup and I’ll drink the one of them sweet babies that ain’t poisoned.” The pirate nods and secretly poisons a cup.
Cabeça talks a blue streak about his smarts, about not starting a garbage war with a trash compactor, and how if a tree falls in a puddle the ocean burps a sandwich. He says something about if he said she said and we said he said then no said what said if man made no sheds. The pirate says, “stop stalling turkey, and drink your drink.”
“It’s too easy,” says the brainiac, then he drinks his drink and keels over mid laugh. Pirate face unties the princess and removes her blindfold.
“Time to go,” he tells her.
“Not a chance, you crab,” she says. “You stink of fish parties and the sea’s weeds.”
“Listen Princess,” says man dressed in black, “we got’s to get a move on before half of glitter is hot on our trail.” Then the princess pushes him over the best sledding hill in the galaxy where he goes into a wicked tumble. While tumbling into a snowball he yells out, “what-ev-er-you-like!”
“My sweet friggin’ Errand boy,” screams the princess and she dives down the snow hill after her man.
The princess is legit surprised to see the man that stands before her. He’s all mask covered and dressed in black and pretty sweetly muscular now too. She does a little eyebrow wobble checking him out. And I’m like, “hold up! Did this just turn back into a friggin’ smooch parade?”
Gramps puts the book down and does a major eyeroll at me. “Listen, dimwit,“ he says, you wanna finish, or you want to sleep until you wet the bed.”
“Fine,” I say, “Keep reading you friggin’ demon. You smell like twin hot dogs from last weeks meat parade.”
Some horns blow from above the hill. “Dang,” says Burgerfingers, my fiance is up there with his foot soldiers.
“Let’s go party in the stank swamp.”
“What? There’s shit pits in there.”
“Yeah, but like, we can avoid the shit pits. Don’t worry so much.”
“My life has been worry.”
“Well, it’s time to party. So might as well start in the unknown realm of the stank swamp.”
“You believe in those WOUP things?”
“What,” says the pirate, “Worms Of Unusual Proportions? I hardly believe they exist.”
So these two enter the stank swamp and narrowly dodge some stank. Burgerfingers slips into a dirt pit and the pirate dives in after her. But the sandpit is too dark and deep and full of rot. And rot means one things to pirates: Worms. “Blorg! The friggin’ WOUPs are real, screams the pirate, “lookout.”
A worm of unusual proportion comes slithering up towards the lovers. It has a mouth like an anus and the teeth of a many toothed thing. It has blue-grey skin and purple follicles. All of its two sets of four eyes are closed as its pink tongue darts towards the pirate. The pirate grabs hold of that slippery tongue and he bites it clean in half with his human teeth. The WOUP makes a sound like a horse losing a hoof to a toaster made of barbed wire. The whole world shakes from the screech.
They ride the beast up to the surface and the pirate dagger slices it into six pieces, then he quickly eats its worm heart.
“Ah,” says Burgerfingers, “Why’d you eat the heart?”
“Always eat the heart of your enemy, princess. Every friggin’ time.”
“Let’s get out of here.”
“Ha,” says the pirate, “I was just thinking we could prolly survive a while. WOUPs are easy to kill, shit pits are easily avoidable, and we could easily just build a cabin in the trees.”
“Uh,” interrupts the Princess, “It smells like straight butthole in here. Let’s make haste.”
“Whatever you like,” says old farmboy, and he winks at the princess.
Right as they exit the Stank Swamp friggin’ Prince Humpadump is there with his henchman who has a very large shoe.
“You happen to have a hundred toes on that foot,” says the Pirate.
“What do you know about it?”
“I know someone looking for you.”
“Listen,” interrupts the prince. “We’re taking the girl, and killing you buddy.”
“No,” says the princess, “you can take me, if you swear you’ll keep this sweet errand boy alive.”
“Cool,” says the prince. “Very cool. Will do.”
“Just like that?” asks Burgerfingers.
“Sure thing,” says the prince. “No prob.”
So the prince takes the lady and the hundred toed man stays with the Dread Pirate Reynold. “Shall we head to where I’ll totally set you free?” he asks.
“C’mon, toes,” says the pirate, “we are men of action. Lies do not become us.” Toes thumps him on the head super hard and pirate in black fades to that.
The Brazilian gets wasted. The tall man has to rescue him before the enchanted forest is burned for burning’s sake. The Brazilian is just about to give up on his lifelong bigtime revenge when the giant throws him into a well and tells him to wake the frig up, and with some hurry. They need to find the Pirate that beat them, in order to beat the world.
“Cool,” says the Brazilian. “Now that I’m soaked, I can hear the words from your mouth place. Why you wanna find the pirate. To kill him?”
“I thought he could help, I think he is top shelf.”
“Oh, I see. Sounds pretty...neat.”
“Yeah and he can’t be beat!”
“You are right, Fezzy, I think the pirate is the secret. But where do we find him?”
“I heard he was captured by a pink ogre.”
This parts pretty confused. But, breaks down like this, the pirate is being tortured by Toes, whose real name is Tyrone (and also has one hundred friggin’ toes), a pink ogre, and the frigging humping prince. They mostly kill the pirate, who appears mostly dead. So Toes and Prince high five and get back to the castle to do dumb stuff. The Brazilian and the Tall man pretty easily find the pink ogre’s underground treefort, and are super bummed to see the pirate is dead. Then the Brazilian has this idea to use a magician to make the pirate dressed in black back to life. So the tall man and the Brazilian kill the pink ogre while Toes and Humps are out playing war at the castle, they throw the pirate in an ice cream cart and they go to Magic Mike’s house.
Magic Mike is an old wizard with long fingers and a sloppy thirst for mudslings. He’s slurping a sling out of a crazy straw when they knock.
“We need your magic,” says the Brazilian.
“I’m retired,” says the Magician.
“It’s for revenge!” says the Brazilian.
“I don’t do revenge no more,” says the Magician.
“It is for love!” says the tall man.
“Love is overrated,” says the Magician
“You’re overrated!” yells a woman from inside the Magic House.
“Oy, my wife! Shut it lady!”
“True love is real!” shouts his wife. I get a vomit taste in my mouth. I almost tell Gramps to beat it. He makes a fist at me and mouths, shut it, twerp.
“It’s also to blave,” says the Brazilian.
“To Blave!” shouts the magician. “That is worth all the whiles!”
“What’s Blave?” asks the tall man.
“It means Bluff in Magic, bring him in, let’s take a look!”
The magician lays the dead man out on his magic table. He asks his wife for a saw. His houseguests look puzzled. “I kid!” he shouts. “Maybe we’ll make this quick.”
“Yes. Please. We must bluff soon, and we need pirates for this.”
First the Magician gives the dead Pirate Reynolds a chocolate wrapped reviving candy. The henchmen look at the magic man, like, the frig is that thing? Magic man answers without hesitation, “It’s a jumpstart to the heart. But I wrap it in a nice sweet chocolate shell so it’s real pleasant like. Once the living kicks in, you know, life can leave a mean after taste, knowudImsayin?” Magic Mike places his hands on both their shoulders. “You do, you both do.”
The Magician grabs a big fireplace accordion places it over the dead pirate’s mouth and blows into the dead Pirate Reynold’s lungs, The fellas are in disbelief, and think this guy maybe is not so good at magic after all. The Magic Man whips out another chocolate wrapped life ball from his cloak pocket and says, “give him another in a little less than half an hour, then he should be mostly living again.”
The Brazilian and the Big Man wave their goodbyes to Magic Mike and the wife after throwing the limp pirate into his ice cream cart home. They say have fun storming the castle and the trio is off.
They reach the castle walls, give the Pirate his second chocolate, and he startles awake.
“I’ll kill you both. I’ll use my fists. I can’t feel my fists. Where are we?”
“You moved your mouth!” says the tall man. “That’s wonderful.”
“We are at the castle gate,” shouts the Brazilian like the Pirate can’t hear him. “I am going to avenge my father. The one hundred toed man is behind the gate. Oh, we are going to save your princess if we have time and stop the marriage from the humping prince.”
The pirate says, “I cannot move my body. I am no help to you.” He scratches his brow.
“Hey!” says the tall man, “you just moved your arm. That’s great!”
“What are our assets?” asks the Pirate.
“My daggers, his hands, your brain place.”
“And nothing else?” says the Pirate. “There are thirty men behind the wall.”
“I have a fireproof cloak and your ice cream cart.”
“Why didn’t you say so,” says the Pirate.
“We just saved your life, please stop acting so impatient,” says the Brazilian.
“My apologies,” says the Pirate. “I’ve been a pirate a very long time.”
The tall man sets his cloak on fire and they convince the turkeys guarding the castle that they should be let in. They all scare from fire super easily and disperse. Once behind the castle gates they split up, the tall man and the Brazilian go searching for danger. The Pirate looks for his love. He finds a bed and lays down on it.
The Brazilian finds the man with one hundred toes.
“Excuse me,” he says. “Do you happen to have one hundred toes on your feet.” The man looks at his weird boots and up at the Brazilian, turns, and runs.
“Hey, I am Indigo Mantiega, you killed my father, prepare to die!” He chases after him through the whole castle.
The pirate watches his love enter the room, staying quiet like a creeper on her bed. She places a dagger over her heart, looking like she’s about to do the deed herself, rather than marry dumbface.
“There’s like three perfect breasts in the world,” says the pirate.
“Oh my sweet Wembley,” she says stroking the pirates face and kissing his mostly dead lips. “Why aren’t you kissing me?”
“I’m mostly dead.”
“What the hell does -”
“Ah-ha!” Prince Humpsandbumps stands at the door. “I’ve found you. And now you will die.”
The Brazilian has caught up to the hundred toed man. He again says Hi to him, tells him his name, and prepares him for death. The hundred toed man, like a real sneak, daggers the Brazilian in the ribs.
“All of these years,” says Mantiega. “All of these years to find you and now die.”
“You’re that brat whose dad I killed to take some daggers, you’ve been chasing me the whole time?”
“I may have some strength left.” The Brazilian lifts his sword and smacks two slices off the killer’s face. “Hello!” he shouts. Again he repeats his name and his last known address this time, and then prepares him to die. “HELLO!” he shouts!
“Why do you keep saying that?”
“I am Indigo Mantiega! You killed my father, prepare to die! Offer me money.”
Offer me fame and women. Offer me twin sugar plantations and a magnificent boat.”
“Give me my father back you gruesome sammamabitch!” Indigo the dagger throwing Brazilian slices old hundred toes right through the heart socket. He spits up some blood and dies a big time death which is super sweet.
The prince stands ready to fight the pirate in the bedroom. The pirate just fakes it like he can use his body and says, “Drop your sword.”
“Or what,” says the prince.
“Or I cut you up in bits.”
“You’re bluffing,” says the prince.
“Then how is it I can stand.” The pirate stands, suddenly able to use a part of his body he didn’t know was undead again. Then he leans on a bed post.
“Shall we fight to the death?”
“No,” says the pirate. “I’m going to cut off your lips and your eyes and your arms and your legs.”
“Yes, and then my ears, I suppose.”
“NO!” says the pirate. “I’ll leave your ears perfect so you can hear every scream of everybody ever that looks at you.”
My grandpa says the Pirate chops the prince into bits and they all ride off in the sunset. I’m like, that’s friggin’ sweet, and grandpa says no junk, you turkey. Then they kiss, says Gramps. I’m like oh boy, see you tomorrow you frriggin’ mothball! Freeze Frame!